So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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