I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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