but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
