Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
