He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
