watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The beer is more important than you right now.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
