9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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