I can text with my tongue
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This baby is an asshole
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
