He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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