i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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