it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
