My sheets look like a crime scene.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
