Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
