You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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