I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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