ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
