I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
