buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
