We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
