I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
