fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The air was thick with penises
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
