Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
