I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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