my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
