I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
