Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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