i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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