there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
