: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
