youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
This girl is more easily done than said...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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