dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's blow job season.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
