I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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