I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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