I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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