"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
