FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
