VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
