i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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