i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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