he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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