my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
