is your mom at the bar?
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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