my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
