I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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