It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
