I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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