are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
