so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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