I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
