the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
