they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
