I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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