come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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