I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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