Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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